went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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