when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
