i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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