Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
