Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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