the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
