I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You're a waste of cheezeits
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
