I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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