Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
