I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
