Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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