i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
