haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
