I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
