I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
