god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
