he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
