I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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