I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
