just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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