please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
