So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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