Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
