i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
