The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
