HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
