I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
