just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
