Taylor Swift is so right about you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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