I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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