Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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