im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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