pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
