I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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