I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
