I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
BRING THE BAGELS
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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