Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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