there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
