She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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