I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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