I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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