We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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