So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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