I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
