Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
