I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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