Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
