I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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