is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
