...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
