i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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